My dad came up with this phrase: Parents should not insist that their children owe them a living.
Likewise, children should not think that they owe their parents a living.
It angered me the first time I 'heard' (rather read) it, which was about a year ago on his Facebook page. It angered me cos I thought he was indirectly slapping me on the wrist over the house fiasco.
As I read through the first draft of this book of his that I am editing (still!), it came up again towards the end (oops - was that a spoiler?). Again, the same anger (though very much less in heat) flared. I thought - have I not done enough?
This morning, the start of the Camino 1st Anniversary Countdown (for I started on my journey this day, a year ago), it suddenly dawned on me what he means when he says "Children should not think they owe their parents a living."
In my line of work, I meet all sorts of parents. Some I truly admire. Some I just want to throttle and slap with a trout. As much as it is my opinion that sometimes parents are the cause of their children's ruination, dad's wise words is now showing me a different aspect - at the end of the day, it is all done in the name of love.
The parent who hovers and insists on doing everything for their child - while I may think they are not letting the child learn - they cannot be faulted for being so full of love that while the child may be 19, they are still 9 months in their parents' eyes.
Similarly, people who do not know me, when they see me with Lydia and Luke, they may say I couldn't care less about them, leaving them to do things on their own. Yet, in my mind, my intention is for them to learn independence NOW so that if anything should happen to me, I have at least imparted my knowledge of living skills on to them.
But coming back, like I said - it is done in the name of love. And as we grow up and the roles reverse, we must not forget that our parents were once children as well. And that they are not so old that they become blind to instances when we do things because we felt we had to. That it was an obligation, and not a 'sincere desire driven by love' to do it for them.
I get it now. And the 'anger' is replaced by 'shame' as I recount the number of times I did things because I thought "If I didn't do it - then who is going to?" For that was never what my own parents wanted. But I am glad, I get it now - that there is time to make good and be better.
Loving your parents is no different from loving your spouse, your boyfriend / girlfriend or partner: we do it cos we want to.
