At the end of it

My church has been disseminating information on the Camino as some holy tour company has decided that this is the "new" destination for Malaysians / Asians to head towards.

I am slightly disappointed as those who are keen associate it with the journey I undertook. And the disappointment stems purely from the fact that they will be walking a mere small fraction of the way and bussing it for the rest.

A family friend recently remarked to my dad how their pilgrimage to either Lourdes or Fatima (I forget!) was so uncomfortable, how the roads and buses in Europe are bad. I listen to it with utter disdain.

How unChristian, I know! But I'd like to believe that if one choses to embark on a pilgrimage - it is the journey there that matters, and not the end itself.

To each their own, I suppose.

Wonders and the Hand of God

This is the view of KL City's most famous icon - The KL Twin Towers - from my balcony on a clear night.

Ask me 6 months ago if I thought I'd be privileged enough to have an address with such a view, I'd have laughed you out of town. Yet, this is real - on top of looking forward to another view in 2 years time that would be all green and zen.

Just this itself is testament - the Wonders of God and how His Hand can move mountains.

Amen!

Road to Rome

"All roads leads to Rome" it is said. And though Rome was scheduled for 2013 summer, it has now taken a new twist ~ flying in would be cheating since there exist a pilgrimage on foot.

A lot of thought and praying needs to be done before a final solid cannot-turn-back decision is made. Apparently the Via Francigena is not as established as the Camino to Santiago. I have to be:

1) Mentally prepared to stop many times and figure my way out as the route is not as clearly marked as the Camino is.

2) Physically prepared to go as long as I need to as accommodations are not as frequently interjected along the way.

3) Spiritually prepared to do a lot of "listening" as I would likely be very often be all by myself (me and my own head!)

If I can for some strange reason overcome all the above factors that are already overwhelming me, it would be monumental for 2013 would again be a "big" year personally.

I once said if I had to go and walk again, it would mean that I did not learn enough the first time round. But looking at this now - I retract what I said earlier. For IF I do go and walk again, it would simply mean that God has again given me blessings so great and un-thought of before that the only way to repay him is to walk the way his apostles did to praise and glorify His Name.

Break Me Please

For the first time yesterday, I admitted that I am upset and pissed off. Very un-holy and un-Christian of me but if I continue to keep it within me, it would only eat me up from the inside until there is nothing left.

I took a walk through the house with Mum yesterday evening. Words cannot describe how my heart plummet at the state of disrepair that the house has come into. 20 years - we have definitely not treated that pile of bricks right at all. Nor have we given the people who dwell in it the right amount of respect, turning a blind eye to the state of squalor that they have been asked to live in. And by "they" I mean the children.

God forgive me for saying this but I will only blame the adults for allowing it to happen. And God forgive me for saying this but I have bought a pile of bricks that is worth only as much as they say it is on paper.

Two thoughts persists in my head as I think about the state of the house and the lives that unfold within it:

1) There will always be this big chasm that I have to cross with my parents when it comes to my brother. I was agog when I walked into his room for I was right - even the victims of the Haiti earthquake take more pride in their house and home. Yet, he is blameless. It was not his fault, rather it was my dad's, when all he tried to do was make the best of the situation from what lil money he had. But yet this man of 32, earning as much as I do now, is being allowed to just walk away from it all - without any compensation? Where is the justice in it all I ask heavenwards? Do I not have to work as hard to earn my money, yet I have to throw it all to fix what he has broken?

My parents have always been the sort that never asks of their children anything. Yet, this one time I wish they would sit him down and finally make him grow up to be the man that he is suppose to be. For if he continues to live his life with blinders on, he will never see the trail of destruction that he leaves behind for others to pick up.

2) Why has God thrust this upon my shoulders and yet not give me peace that should come from following His Will? Each day I grapple with this - seeking, asking, begging for peace. Yet, He alludes me. And I ask - is it my fate that I should always have to walk through the wilderness, coming out of it so broken in so many places with nothing left in me to savour what small victories I had won?

Right now I hang on the precipice of staying or walking away. Going down this road has brought me nothing but pain. For life was better when I had nothing but a couple of bucks in my wallet - when all I had to worry about was scraping together enough money for my next meal or filling the next tank of petrol.

I am tired of this constant battling. I am tired of this constant pressure. I am tired of this constant lopsidedness that exists. I am tired of this constant worry of how to satisfy everyone including my own self.

Or am I suppose to be left out of the equation altogether?

"Lord leave a place for me in the green pastures that you promised... where I am suppose to find rest."

A Cathedral

In my hometown, when I was growing up, there was a big buzz when the diocese decided to build a new church. A cathedral no less. It turned out to be a boxy lil thing and perhaps because I was unfazed by it, the significance of a cathedral has always been lost on me.

When I finally dragged myself into the square of the Cathedral of St James in Santiago de Compostella, I was physically, mentally and spiritually broken in so many pieces - 3 months later, I am realising that I had not done so many things. Such as sitting in silence at the square to marvel at this work of men.

I am currently re-reading the Pillars of the Earth, of Tom Builder's quest to as a master builder in the ye old days, to build a cathedral. It says that a "cathedral looms high above all things around it so that it draws one's eyes heavenward - towards God."

The Cathedral of St James is indeed a work to be marveled at. Built in the days where there were no such things as concrete mixers, cranes that goes hundreds of feet high, I can only imagine, using the book, how much work went into building it. All in the name of giving glory to God. And it was in His name that this feat was accomplished. That it still stands today for one and all to see.

In the midst of all financial madness, a new dream has sprouted. To go back to Santiago for a week. Just to sit in front of this wonderment and be still in amazement of what God can do. It is a mad dream. Cos I have just placed a commitment towards a new home. One that is half a million of doors over my initial budget.

Yet, something in me tells me that a year from now, on the anniversary of my initial pilgrimage, I will have the funds to not only bring myself but also my partner back to Santiago. To do as I did not the first time round.

~ Your Will be Done ~

3 Months In

The last time I wrote, a month ago, I was on the verge of purchasing my own property - a blessing I never thought could happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, that did not go as planned. But the search goes on. In fact, this week, I should be able to go and see this other place - which is almost double the price but far, far better in terms of conditions and value.

It hardly feels like it's been 3 months since I staggered into the plaza where the Cathedral stands. It hardly feels like it's been 3 months since I had such solitude that it drove me almost out of my own mind and skin. It feels WAY LONGER THAN THAT!

It is becoming clearer, the lessons I have learnt and how I am changing. I am more firm in what I want out of life and how I want to continue living my life. I am also a tad bit more patient - not a whole lot, but a wee bit goes a long way.

Anyways, I shall not be naive and think that a mere walk is going to change my life. The walk may be the starting point. But how it unfolds - that is really a daily journey that I have to carry on.

2 months on

It has been 2 months since I embarked on the Camino. Two short yet long months.

Short cos in terms of physical days, it has been whizzing by. Yet long cos at the back of my mind, my soul has been crying out for the quiet and the wilds, the alone-ness and the companionship. Strange that I would have been longing for those for when I was in the thick of things, it was the few things that I wanted to end my journey for - so that those torments would be gone from me.

I am just coming to terms to what it is I have learnt from my trek. Perhaps "learn" is not the appropriate word for it. Perhaps "realisation" would be a better word. And that itself brings about another phase completely on its own.

It is a continuous emptying process. That is what the Camino does to you. You look back on the things that you had done without and realise that if you could do without them then, you can do without them now as life returns to normalcy.

It is not as cut and dried as leaving behind a pair of shoes - that I admit. And of course the process goes much deeper than the mere discarding of material items.

And that is why I say it is another phase all on its own. Can I do it? I have yet to find out. Which means that the journey continues...