2 months on

It has been 2 months since I embarked on the Camino. Two short yet long months.

Short cos in terms of physical days, it has been whizzing by. Yet long cos at the back of my mind, my soul has been crying out for the quiet and the wilds, the alone-ness and the companionship. Strange that I would have been longing for those for when I was in the thick of things, it was the few things that I wanted to end my journey for - so that those torments would be gone from me.

I am just coming to terms to what it is I have learnt from my trek. Perhaps "learn" is not the appropriate word for it. Perhaps "realisation" would be a better word. And that itself brings about another phase completely on its own.

It is a continuous emptying process. That is what the Camino does to you. You look back on the things that you had done without and realise that if you could do without them then, you can do without them now as life returns to normalcy.

It is not as cut and dried as leaving behind a pair of shoes - that I admit. And of course the process goes much deeper than the mere discarding of material items.

And that is why I say it is another phase all on its own. Can I do it? I have yet to find out. Which means that the journey continues...

118 for 305

72 hours ago

After a long hiatus, I decided to have a peek at what property prices are like these days. It was something I had shoved to the back of my mind seeing how I had just committed myself to my parents' house. Nonetheless, the dream of owning my very own was still there.

It was a depressing effort though as I found that most everything that is matured had gone up about 30% and anything new was way beyond my means.

Sadly, one of the habits the Camino did not break was to let it go once a thought was planted in my head. And it was a full day of moping and moaning.

48 hours ago

Do I keep the dream fueled and going? And do I act now or do I just leave it as a dream? The reality of it is IF I opted for something more humble, the dream could become real. But if I was chasing something more fashionable, I would either have to hock my kids on eBay or leave the dream as a dream. I ended the day more or less resigned to the latter.

24 hours ago

Decided to test waters by bringing up the issue at home with the family. Surprisingly, it was encouraging. Yet, the fear was there. Even Dad saying "God willing you will get it" did not bring consolation. Again, I hung on the precipice.

Came home to my daily email message which said: Jesus assures us that if we go to Him, our “burden would be light.” Why is this so? With Jesus’ Spirit within our hearts, we are never alone; God who is almighty, infinitely compassionate and loving will always care for us. And it ended with Do we trust in His words or do we prefer to rely more on our own strength and human support?

Every step of my way, I have walked in His path. If anything, having done the Camino itself is a testament of how His Hands can make a way when there seemed none. I do have to do my homework on my part of course for even with God, He will help you if only YOU help yourself.

10.38 pm 14th July 2011

It has been a month since I completed my Camino and I am only just finding out what it is I have learnt. Whilst on the Camino, He showed me what a difference mere minutes and hours can make. So I should really not be surprised as I sit here tonight after a long work day and say TOMORROW I WILL BE BUYING MY OWN HOME. All done and dusted in under 5 hours.

And the bonus is this: it is everything I want in a home - balconies (3 !!!!!!!!!!) plus a garden, the feel of having a landed property within the confines and comfort of a condominium structure. And it is with HIS Blessing.

A lot of folks have been telling me that it appears my Walk has paid off. The title for this posting is the distance I walked for the price I am going to pay for my home.

Yet as I sit here in reflection, I do realise that the Camino (with all its pains) was not a down-payment for the blessings I am receiving today. And with God, it is not what you physically do that counts. It is knowing where your anchor lies and trusting in that the anchor will not fail you. Faith and surrender.

Tonight as I turn in, I quietly bless all the yellow arrows that came across my way. Thank you for opening my eyes, my heart, my mind and soul for without that, I would not have the wisdom to know when to employ Faith and Surrender when I have to.

It truly was and will continue to have been a really good Buen Camino!

The Capping Stone

It is a strange feeling, to have planned and worked towards something and then to achieve it. Because I have been in pain from tendinitis of the right ankle and left knee and having to move myself from one country to the other (Yes, I am in Ireland now), I am just sitting down to soak it all in.

For the next couple of days, Dublin will be “home” and I have to say, it is with much relief – I am at least able to understand and be understood here. Also, I will be here for more than 24 hours which is a welcomed change after a week of literally being on the road.

I am officially a pilgrim. Went out bright and early in the rain in Santiago this morning to get my compostela. A piece of paper written in Latin on which there is not a single word, save my name, which I understand.

But what does it all mean? Have I achieved what I wanted to achieve? Aside from physically pushing my body to the limits and my mind stretched like taffy – what else did I get out of this? And then again – what does it mean to be a pilgrim?

My Camino online friend, Claire wrote on my Facebook wall that she had met up with some Puerto Ricans on her way and they had mentioned me. I gather that would be Ruth whom I met somewhere between Portomarin and Palas de Rei.

I would like to think that those I had time to share my story with, had felt a difference and in that difference remembered me to others, and not simply because I am the Asian girl from Malaysia. I have promised Chris that I will send her a copy of Dad’s book when I return home because Rachel and her did the Camino the way I had intended to – in prayer (Ma – 6 rounds of Rosaries they said each day!)

I am in a state of gratefulness and wonderment. Kinda like a child on Christmas morning – where did all these presents suddenly come from?! I may be close to RM 5000 poorer but I am definitely certain that I am at least half a lifetime richer in experience.

What is next?

Andreas from Germany says his next goal is to climb Kilimanjaro. Dietrich also of Germany (aged 71 mind you) says next time he will start not from Lyon but from the very beginning up in the Netherlands. Lisa of Canada will have to decide what she wants to do with her career. Gambor of Hungary will have to decide if he wants to remain in Switzerland with the love of his life or pack up and go back to Budapest. Ruth from Puerto Rico hopes that she will return home closer to God. Paul of Belgium wants to spend more time doing the things he had always dreamed of doing but never got round to. And Claire from Australia will have to decide if she goes out to work or go back to studying.

Dad said that I may or may not see God’s plan for me immediately after the Camino and I gather that is about right. After all, His World is an ever evolving one – the big picture may remain but because He created us in His Likeness and still gave us free will – the lil bits to getting there may always be changing.

But for now, I want my eyes, ears, mouth and heart to remain as open as it is now. To lose the notion of “it is my way, or hit the highway!” To not worry that for “every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction” and let that worry hold me back.

For these two are my definition of what it means to totally surrender my life to His hands and His will.

And if there is a bigger picture out there with my name on it that I do not yet see – Cies La Vie! It will come, when it is meant to be.

Thank you for following this blog. I hope it has brought some meaning to your life as much as walking these 118 km did to mine.

God bless!

Camino ends

It is done.

Arrived in Santiago de Compostela about 4 hours ago. And they sure know how to make that final bit last.

The trek was the worst today, physically. Even now, I am awaiting the pharmacy to reopen so I can get the pain, cold and cough sorted.

Putting all of it together, it goes without saying that as I entered Plaza Immaculata, I rung home and wept.

I have yet to take stock of this entire journey. All I know is I walked all 118 km and live to tell the tale.

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The Home Stretch

The cocks are crowing and the birds are chipping. Some folks living at this restored farmhouse with me have already loaded up and headed off.

I am taking this morning to savour the pain and the mystery. As my girlfriend said: I have walked over 100 km!

For this last bit, I am not gonna think. Gonna do as Lisa said: Empty myself. Is there more to be emptied? Yes, I think there is. Just gonna run it through the sugarcane press one more time. And I know I will cos it is downhill from here on out before the city comes into sight.

I cannot imagine what I will do. I do not want to imagine - but as we know me, I have to try very hard at that!

El Camino is coming to an end but again as Bon Jovi says: Every New Beginning is some beginning's end.

Here's to my new beginning then! Wish me luck!

The Difference of A Day

"What a difference a day makes" goes the song in my head. I finally made it to Villamaior - 7.5km away from Santiago de Compostela. I have walked in 4 days 110 km.

This morning, I said that nothing that the day brings will throw me off. As I sit here cooling down, I cannot believe I was THAT naive!

A German family who is staying here after arriving in Santiago this morning told me - tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I will be happy for I will be arriving. The man also told me today it had nothing to do with the distance I did - didn't I do the same yesterday? The only difference is all in my head, because yesterday - everyone was doing the 30-ish km stretch with me.

I have always said: What doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger. But I don't exactly feel that right now. I feel like a crumpled heap. I caved and I broke and I lost my hat in the process.

Am I ashamed for sitting at the intersection, bawling like a babe? No. I think it was meant to be.  HE had intended it to be just so - how else would HE reach me? Truth be told, while I may have been having hymns of praise in my iPod playing, my mind was still wondering abouts. Except for that last stretch - I did everything I could to keep going. I prayed the rosary, I sang the hymns I grew up with, I cried for the Spirit to consume me just to carry my legs onward.

I think He heard me. Cos shortly after I had posted my last blog, this lil old lady came pacing up the road and quietly sat next to me. She didn't say a word. She just sat there, next to me and stared ahead at the road. And further on, 2 Austrian ladies appeared out of nowhere, also searching for their hostel for the night. And when we reached it, despite only having exchanged a few words with me, they turned, hugged and kissed me, wishing me luck on my way.

Every day since I have been on the road, I have had at least 1 person cross my path to show me some different thought. And everyday, I have also had persons come just as angels to keep me buoyant.

I am sorry that I had to come all this way, just to have my eyes opening to these facts which I believe happens everyday in my life back home as well.

And that is the difference that a day like today makes.

The Breakdown

It is 12.5 km San Polo. The airport is in front of me, the trail to my right. I have 4.5 km to go for the day. Everyone else that started out today with me, stopped walking 10 km back.

At this place, in the middle of an intersection, I am literally breaking down. My feet can keep going. My spirit tho' lays broken.

Bon Jovi sings into my head: right here, right now - this is where you're suppose to be!

Lisa from Canada told me today that the Camino is meant to empty you so that newness can take place.

I am empty alright. Not a single soul has passed me by for the last 4 hours. I cannot be more alone that i have been today.

Good lord - with so lil left to go, you decide to break me. I'm gonna have me a good cry, a smoke then move on.

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