If you have been following this blog and my other one, you will realise by now that lil old me has been on the path of self-destruction and nuclear melt-down. It has been a never-ending cycle of events and with each, my anger and frustration level rises.
While everyone thought that it was the stress from managing 2 jobs and 1 other project - the truth really is that I was angry with myself. Angry to the point that I cannot look at my own reflection without wanting to smash the mirror. Angry to the point that the thought of death was more comforting than the thought of waking up in the morning. Angry to the point that every word, every phrase that came out from my mouth and mind was designed specifically to cut - deep, with a twist to boot.
My brother, who said a prayer for me last weekend told me - You are wound up so tightly, it cannot be turned any further. Let go and accept that somethings you cannot change. And that is a fact. 10 weeks in and here I am, still trying to get my path straight along the route that I had in mind for it.
My partner asked me last night - at the end of all these - have I spoken to the Almighty? And I told him that my anger was such that 2 Saturdays ago, in my hometown, I walked out of church. That I decided it was a complete utter waste of my time to spend that 1 hour of service because He listens to everybody's cries but mine.
If he was the hitting kind, I swear, he would have raised his hand against my cheek. And I would have no case. For I do indeed deserve it. For did He not, in the minutes after that walk-out (which to put into context is un-heard off in the family and if my grandfather was alive, he would have whopped my arse for that audacity) tell me that He has not forgotten me through Psalm 43: 5 "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
I am not going to make excuses for my self and my thoughts. They stem from me and they are no one's words but my own. I am not going to make excuses for my own rebellion against my Maker. I knew from the start what He was asking of me and it was not the emptying of my bank account. I knew from the start what He was wanting me to learn from this phase of life and it was not more patience.
My last post was yet another reminder of what was flawed. And I knew it when Father Lionel explained plenary indulgence to me. I knew that my last day's intention should not be for the souls of persons I thought needed it. I knew that the PI is to be for myself for in the last 10 weeks, and in the last month in particular my behaviour has been causing a massive tsunami of sins.
I have been walking around, wondering how everyone else in my family had so many reasons to smile and laugh, simply because I had forgotten that they have managed to reach a state which I am still struggling to go near: Total Surrender.
My partner (who if you remember I had once said initially years ago objected to me walking the Camino), told me that I should start embracing it now, bit by bit. Lessen the fight back. But that it will only fully happen when I am on the Camino. That my body will break and my spirit will follow. And that when that happens, I am to sit down by the wayside and let it all just happen. That if I were to fight the act of surrendering, to allow a deeper, higher power to carry my by-then weary legs and body onwards towards Santiago, I will only return "the same person as I left." But that if I allow it to happen, when he sees me in Dublin on the 22nd, he will not recognise the me that I would become.
Yesterday, I was still pissed that my preparation for the Camino has stalled and side-lined.
Today, I feel as if I have begun my walk even before I have left the country.
Today, I know for real that yes, I am suppose to do this. And that even though I have not even bought my plane ticket to Europe, that the funds I need to do it is still yet to be in place, 29 days from now, I would walk into Santiago.
Today, I will re-start my preparation, not by going to the gym and walking my first 5 km in weeks but rather to go and attend Mass and continue to make the time to do so until I leave for the airport.
Today, I will re-instill the fear of God back into my life and place first and foremost these words: Seek Ye First.
"Repent and reconnect with the Almighty. You're coming home and it is a journey taken by a privilege few. You're one of them. Be at peace."
While everyone thought that it was the stress from managing 2 jobs and 1 other project - the truth really is that I was angry with myself. Angry to the point that I cannot look at my own reflection without wanting to smash the mirror. Angry to the point that the thought of death was more comforting than the thought of waking up in the morning. Angry to the point that every word, every phrase that came out from my mouth and mind was designed specifically to cut - deep, with a twist to boot.
My brother, who said a prayer for me last weekend told me - You are wound up so tightly, it cannot be turned any further. Let go and accept that somethings you cannot change. And that is a fact. 10 weeks in and here I am, still trying to get my path straight along the route that I had in mind for it.
My partner asked me last night - at the end of all these - have I spoken to the Almighty? And I told him that my anger was such that 2 Saturdays ago, in my hometown, I walked out of church. That I decided it was a complete utter waste of my time to spend that 1 hour of service because He listens to everybody's cries but mine.
If he was the hitting kind, I swear, he would have raised his hand against my cheek. And I would have no case. For I do indeed deserve it. For did He not, in the minutes after that walk-out (which to put into context is un-heard off in the family and if my grandfather was alive, he would have whopped my arse for that audacity) tell me that He has not forgotten me through Psalm 43: 5 "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
I am not going to make excuses for my self and my thoughts. They stem from me and they are no one's words but my own. I am not going to make excuses for my own rebellion against my Maker. I knew from the start what He was asking of me and it was not the emptying of my bank account. I knew from the start what He was wanting me to learn from this phase of life and it was not more patience.
My last post was yet another reminder of what was flawed. And I knew it when Father Lionel explained plenary indulgence to me. I knew that my last day's intention should not be for the souls of persons I thought needed it. I knew that the PI is to be for myself for in the last 10 weeks, and in the last month in particular my behaviour has been causing a massive tsunami of sins.
I have been walking around, wondering how everyone else in my family had so many reasons to smile and laugh, simply because I had forgotten that they have managed to reach a state which I am still struggling to go near: Total Surrender.
My partner (who if you remember I had once said initially years ago objected to me walking the Camino), told me that I should start embracing it now, bit by bit. Lessen the fight back. But that it will only fully happen when I am on the Camino. That my body will break and my spirit will follow. And that when that happens, I am to sit down by the wayside and let it all just happen. That if I were to fight the act of surrendering, to allow a deeper, higher power to carry my by-then weary legs and body onwards towards Santiago, I will only return "the same person as I left." But that if I allow it to happen, when he sees me in Dublin on the 22nd, he will not recognise the me that I would become.
Yesterday, I was still pissed that my preparation for the Camino has stalled and side-lined.
Today, I feel as if I have begun my walk even before I have left the country.
Today, I know for real that yes, I am suppose to do this. And that even though I have not even bought my plane ticket to Europe, that the funds I need to do it is still yet to be in place, 29 days from now, I would walk into Santiago.
Today, I will re-start my preparation, not by going to the gym and walking my first 5 km in weeks but rather to go and attend Mass and continue to make the time to do so until I leave for the airport.
Today, I will re-instill the fear of God back into my life and place first and foremost these words: Seek Ye First.
"Repent and reconnect with the Almighty. You're coming home and it is a journey taken by a privilege few. You're one of them. Be at peace."
Amen.
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