Will Who?

Some days, I wonder how God goes about determining who does what of and in their lives. Who gets what gifts, and who remains giftless. Who gets constantly tested and who goes by untested.

And some days I wonder if we all have the same path. Only some choose to cab it, others bus it and some fly it. Some may choose to walk it. And again, some may decide they much prefer staying put.

Free will. It could be as easy as saying MY will be done. Or as difficult as saying my will is YOURS.

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The Price of Peace

I used to think that peace didn't cost anything - well, except in situation of territorial wars and such. And at the same time, I used to think that peace didn't have a value that you could put on it.

I am angry again. To the point that when I crossed the highway on my angry run, I stopped on the bridge and thought how wonderful it was if I had the guts to just conquer the fear of heights, climb and jump. Most people would do that when they are depressed. Me? It's a sign that I've been driven to the very edge of anger.

And so yes, everything that I used to think about peace - that's gone out the window at this point in time. There is NOTHING I would not give to have a moment of peace. Yet something tells me that I have to run away to the northern mountains of Spain to get that.

Which just sucks cos not only do I have to wait some 40-over days for it, I also have to find my fare to get there.

So there - I'm back to being angry. Again.

Ins and Outs

I am trying to understand why is it when my coffers are about to be replenished, it gets depleted again.

Perhaps God reckons I will never be able to fully surrender my faith and trust if I am not in a position I deem vulnerable.

See - I know it. I just said it. Yet I cannot shed this human side of emotions.

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World Without Borders

I bought a Camino guide and have been reading it. One of the key themes that struck me was how on the Camino, it is almost a world without borders.

Yes, you may be in France, Netherlands or Spain but the warmth, welcome, camaraderie will almost make these facts a negligible one. Even before I have started on the physical journey, I have already enjoyed the "welcome" by folks who have walked the Camino before. A colleague in Cork will be waiting for me to arrive back in Ireland so that we can sit in her garden over dinner and exchange our experiences.

It is indeed reassuring - to know that in the wilderness of Northern Spain, I will not be alone if I choose not to.

But the most stark realisation of this post would be this: You don't have to go thousands of miles away to experience welcome and camaraderie! Folks around you are always more than willing to help - if we but ask.

And yes, it is always okay to sit down at a bus stop by the side of the Federal Highway, throw your hands up in the air and no - not wave it like you just don't care, but just say "I'm tired and I need your help."

Perceptions

There is always two options to view what life deals you: Cup is either half empty or half full.

My dad tried to post a comment to my last log yesterday - which was hilarious cos he rung me to ask me how to post a comment to my blog *lol* (Yes Dad - let's find humour in the simplest things.) And when we failed (Yes - shame on me the blogger!), he told me instead what he wanted to write here.

Words like "sadness" and "destroy" and "restore" would have been a key feature of what he wanted to say. And I was thinking to myself - Oh no! My grief has gathered the power of an emotional tsunami, engulfing all around me! And I have to remember the advise that I dish out to my candidates who did not make the cut: Give yourself x-days to grieve over this, then take a deep breath and move on!

So today, Palm Sunday - the start of the final week of this year's Lent, I shall aim to adopt the perception that I think Jesus had as He entered the gates of Jerusalem. A mix of bittersweet emotions but always keeping the end goal in mind. And I'd like to believe, like all other human beings, He too went through a period of grief.

What is depleted today, can be replenished in time to come. This is my further lesson in patience (which is my one bane in life - a complete lack off!) And as a dear friend of mine said in an email to me last week - I completely understand where you're coming from. On the other hand, I am certain God gave you this current role for a reason and I KNOW you will make it.. you're too smart to let this eat you up!

As Viktor Frankl said - Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone’s task is unique as his specific opportunity to implement it.

So Dad - let's not mull over this any longer. With 50 days to go, if you want to help me - make sure you ask me everyday if I have made it to the gym for the day and walked the distance I was suppose to walk.

The Week Past

My dad and I signed the Sales & Purchase agreement today. It is the point of no return. After the necessary were concluded, we went on our ways to start the day. And all I could do was have "Somewhere over the rainbow" play over and over and over again on in my car while I drove and cried.

I cannot really give you a reason for this bursting of the dams. But I can tell you for certain that they were not tears of joy.

Maybe it was the profound loss from the knowledge and realisation that everything I had worked hard to hoard away so that I never have to go back to being without food or shelter again, was gone at the flick of a pen.

Maybe it was the overwhelming thought of how much harder I would have to work so that I could someday sign an agreement as I did this morning to a place that I, myself truly want to own and make a home of.

I started out 2 weeks ago, so sure of myself and everything else under the sun. I start the new week on such uncertain footing, I am sitting here praying fervently that tonight would be a dreamless-sleep night because dreams in my world are just plain bad stuff.

I know I am caught in a bubble of negativity and despair. I am hoping that as the days past, it will lessen and I will get stronger.

But for now, I am not as strong as you think I am....

Lord Hear My Prayer

Lord,
You said to go to You, those who are weary
So here I am Lord.
For I have no where else to go,
No one else to seek solace from.
No one to dry these tears that fall tonight
as my heart lays broken and my soul flies betrayed.

Lord,
Give me the strength to carry out what is asked of me,
Just as you hung on the cross, as Your Father asked of you.

Lord,
Grant me clarity of sight
So that I may see that Your blessings in heaven
is heavier in its weight
Than human appreciation on earth.

Lord,
Help me forgive the battles I have had to fight,
Arguments that haunts me each and every time I come round this bend.
That while it may feel as if folks have let me down,
You have always silently had my back.

Lord,
Gently comfort me as I lay my own dreams and plans aside again,
That I will come to realise that my plans are not Your will.
That expectations and hopes have no place in a life of surrender.

Lord, help me see all these
Before I embark on this physical journey
As it would all be in nought
If it is not done in Your name.

So take my hand and lift me higher
Be my love and my desire
Hold me safe and honor bound
Take my heart to higher ground.