"All roads leads to Rome" it is said. And though Rome was scheduled for 2013 summer, it has now taken a new twist ~ flying in would be cheating since there exist a pilgrimage on foot.
A lot of thought and praying needs to be done before a final solid cannot-turn-back decision is made. Apparently the Via Francigena is not as established as the Camino to Santiago. I have to be:
1) Mentally prepared to stop many times and figure my way out as the route is not as clearly marked as the Camino is.
2) Physically prepared to go as long as I need to as accommodations are not as frequently interjected along the way.
3) Spiritually prepared to do a lot of "listening" as I would likely be very often be all by myself (me and my own head!)
If I can for some strange reason overcome all the above factors that are already overwhelming me, it would be monumental for 2013 would again be a "big" year personally.
I once said if I had to go and walk again, it would mean that I did not learn enough the first time round. But looking at this now - I retract what I said earlier. For IF I do go and walk again, it would simply mean that God has again given me blessings so great and un-thought of before that the only way to repay him is to walk the way his apostles did to praise and glorify His Name.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Break Me Please
For the first time yesterday, I admitted that I am upset and pissed off. Very un-holy and un-Christian of me but if I continue to keep it within me, it would only eat me up from the inside until there is nothing left.
I took a walk through the house with Mum yesterday evening. Words cannot describe how my heart plummet at the state of disrepair that the house has come into. 20 years - we have definitely not treated that pile of bricks right at all. Nor have we given the people who dwell in it the right amount of respect, turning a blind eye to the state of squalor that they have been asked to live in. And by "they" I mean the children.
God forgive me for saying this but I will only blame the adults for allowing it to happen. And God forgive me for saying this but I have bought a pile of bricks that is worth only as much as they say it is on paper.
Two thoughts persists in my head as I think about the state of the house and the lives that unfold within it:
I took a walk through the house with Mum yesterday evening. Words cannot describe how my heart plummet at the state of disrepair that the house has come into. 20 years - we have definitely not treated that pile of bricks right at all. Nor have we given the people who dwell in it the right amount of respect, turning a blind eye to the state of squalor that they have been asked to live in. And by "they" I mean the children.
God forgive me for saying this but I will only blame the adults for allowing it to happen. And God forgive me for saying this but I have bought a pile of bricks that is worth only as much as they say it is on paper.
Two thoughts persists in my head as I think about the state of the house and the lives that unfold within it:
1) There will always be this big chasm that I have to cross with my parents when it comes to my brother. I was agog when I walked into his room for I was right - even the victims of the Haiti earthquake take more pride in their house and home. Yet, he is blameless. It was not his fault, rather it was my dad's, when all he tried to do was make the best of the situation from what lil money he had. But yet this man of 32, earning as much as I do now, is being allowed to just walk away from it all - without any compensation? Where is the justice in it all I ask heavenwards? Do I not have to work as hard to earn my money, yet I have to throw it all to fix what he has broken?
My parents have always been the sort that never asks of their children anything. Yet, this one time I wish they would sit him down and finally make him grow up to be the man that he is suppose to be. For if he continues to live his life with blinders on, he will never see the trail of destruction that he leaves behind for others to pick up.
2) Why has God thrust this upon my shoulders and yet not give me peace that should come from following His Will? Each day I grapple with this - seeking, asking, begging for peace. Yet, He alludes me. And I ask - is it my fate that I should always have to walk through the wilderness, coming out of it so broken in so many places with nothing left in me to savour what small victories I had won?
Right now I hang on the precipice of staying or walking away. Going down this road has brought me nothing but pain. For life was better when I had nothing but a couple of bucks in my wallet - when all I had to worry about was scraping together enough money for my next meal or filling the next tank of petrol.
I am tired of this constant battling. I am tired of this constant pressure. I am tired of this constant lopsidedness that exists. I am tired of this constant worry of how to satisfy everyone including my own self.
Or am I suppose to be left out of the equation altogether?
"Lord leave a place for me in the green pastures that you promised... where I am suppose to find rest."
My parents have always been the sort that never asks of their children anything. Yet, this one time I wish they would sit him down and finally make him grow up to be the man that he is suppose to be. For if he continues to live his life with blinders on, he will never see the trail of destruction that he leaves behind for others to pick up.
2) Why has God thrust this upon my shoulders and yet not give me peace that should come from following His Will? Each day I grapple with this - seeking, asking, begging for peace. Yet, He alludes me. And I ask - is it my fate that I should always have to walk through the wilderness, coming out of it so broken in so many places with nothing left in me to savour what small victories I had won?
Right now I hang on the precipice of staying or walking away. Going down this road has brought me nothing but pain. For life was better when I had nothing but a couple of bucks in my wallet - when all I had to worry about was scraping together enough money for my next meal or filling the next tank of petrol.
I am tired of this constant battling. I am tired of this constant pressure. I am tired of this constant lopsidedness that exists. I am tired of this constant worry of how to satisfy everyone including my own self.
Or am I suppose to be left out of the equation altogether?
"Lord leave a place for me in the green pastures that you promised... where I am suppose to find rest."
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