9 Days and Counting

There is something about embarking on such a journey at this stage in life. You somehow do it as if you do not expect to return. You get your house in order and you make moments with people who matter.

Tonight I sat down to dinner with a good friend, my LegalBeagle. It was to be a purely social dinner. For some strange reason, I had it in my head that we would speak of the whimsical happenings as we used to do when we sat down for coffee and cake.

Now the LegalBeagle is one of the most sensible folks I surround myself with. So it is kind of funny that I did not anticipate that he would have expectations of this escapade I am about to embark on in 9 days. In fact, it really did throw me that he is putting me on a sabbatical come Wednesday evening.

Living up to his handle, I come home tonight, unsure of what lies ahead. Yes, I know the lesson. I know the lesson structure. But the last part of the lesson plan is still unknown. What is to become of me after?

In some small way, I have been in denial. Obstructing my thinking process by throwing myself into work - one project after the other. Simply because I have not wanted to sit down and examine truly what changes might take place as part of the TS(total surrender) process. At this point I will however state that joining a convent is DEFINITELY out of the question.

"There must be some profound change that must take place in you," it was said in true lawyer-ly fashion. "Otherwise, you might have just walked in Ulu Klang!"

So just what is this profound change? I fear to think that far. Especially since it dawned upon me that the day before I enter Santiago is the Feast of Pentecost. As the priest in my church said during his sermon yesterday - the Gifts of the Spirit which was promised will only happen if one is open to receiving these gifts.

I have kept myself at arm's length from God. Perhaps I have not fully embraced the consequence of this action I am about to take. Perhaps I have been masking it over with all sorts of distractions - making mountains out of molehills - just so that I didn't have to let my mind take over.

I am now afraid. And to add to it, the LegalBeagle is not doing his usual both sides of the coin. He is, instead, telling me  to make time to sit down and think. 

With 9 days to go, this is not the moment to be afraid.

Oh dear me.. what have I gotten myself into?!

The Whole Nine Yards

I am sitting here, waiting to head for dinner and asking another friend some silly question. When my mind is not in my head and it feels as if my soul decided to throw itself out the window.

I have just realised that I made a royal boo-boo. The consequence of it is simple - I will have enough funds to get to Madrid and kick off the Camino. What happens after that is all quite up in the air at the moment and while is targeted to be a certain date, this round of screw-up is making it very hard to have confidence in the process.

This uncertainty is driving me crazy while I fight to keep it down. As I told my brother: this only goes to show that the Big Guy Upstairs is relentless. He wants me to really live it up , walk the talk of my so-called faith and is going the whole nine yards on this lesson plan.

This situation is no stranger to me. I have seen it so many times and I have seen His Hand prevail each and every time. (See - there I can even say it outloud!) But I realise this - each time, I have been on the side-lines only. Never directly involved. And so, each time, the magic of the miracle gets a little lost on me.

I guess, God is probably thinking - enough of these halfway-houses missy! It is time it sticks in your head for good.

Knowing all these doesn't lessen the anxiety, the fear, the terror. So please this evening, I ask of you to pray very hard for me .... and with me.

The Fag Situation

I have learnt from the past 2 trips that the concept of cigarette-rationing is something my brain cannot comprehend.

With the Camino and Barcelona, my trip this time spans 24 days. And I seriously doubt the Spaniards would have heard of Sampoerna.

8 sticks a day... Lord help me!

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10 To Go

It hit me like a cold splash on the face as I read Rick Steve's excerpt from his article.

"Whenever I'm here, I make a point to be on the town square facing the towering Cathedral of St. James at around 10:00 in the morning. That's when scores of well-worn pilgrims march in triumphantly from their last overnight on the Camino de Santiago (the Way of St. James)."

I have 9 days before I get on the plane to Madrid and add 1 to it before I embark on my trek. Having had time in between to think about (and perhaps as some consolation for not training as much as I would have liked to), I have come to see that doing Stage 8 out of 8 is actually nothing. I mean, I will be up alongside those who have done the full 800 kilometers.

I am finally putting aside time to get my pack organised. Still in two minds about how many dry-lux tops I should get from Uniglo. I mean, with each costing RM 80 - I am hoping 1 to wear-wash-dry would be enough. And in any case, while the weather should be a concern (and here I say a big THANKS to my colleague Sam who has given me 2 waterproof ponchos), I must not lose sight of the bigger thing:

"The church is back-lit by the rising sun and, looking up, the weary pilgrims squint...small before God."

That said - I am now officially extremely anxious. Please double up your prayers for me - I need to be really, Really, REALLY small before God come the 13th!

Rationale Mind

I spent the better part of this morning and afternoon running around like a headless chicken. And this is extremely hilarious simply because before the "headless-ness" began, I was in the shower and wondering to myself the following:

1. So I have had one good phone call and one not so good phone call this morning, the latter being of higher import.
2. It was a good week past in the sense that despite all the unless work, I was able to schedule it all, focus and stay calm.
3. So putting the two together - is the bad phone call God's way of "punishing" me for not keeping to my intent of attending Mass daily this week (which I have failed miserably all thanks to the folks operating the SMART tunnel)?

I learn from the Bible's Old Testament that God was not a very forgiving being - recall Sodom & Gomorrah - and so to come to point (3) above was not very difficult. YET, I also learn from the Bible that God is indeed a forgiving being.

I am not making excuses for my lack of extra effort - I could have left the office earlier on Monday and Tuesday to make sure I got to church on time. I did indeed wake up early on Tuesday morning intending to go for morning Mass but the thought of heading in and out twice in one morning was too much. And yes, I overslept this morning and completely missed this morning's opportunity. So yes, I admit - I am at fault here.

Perhaps I am gripping at straws of self-consolation: all these that happened today, has nothing to do with what I have not done. At the end of the day, what HE is calling from me is total surrender (half-way there but not quite) and today is just another fine example of it.

My rationale mind can try to wear itself out (even more) by trying to piece together this puzzle called my life but at the end of the day, it will only do what I said: wear itself out.

Faith is a funny thing - there is no place for rationalism in it all!

The Journey, Not End

I did 2.88 kilometer this evening in 31 minutes. That is well within my planned time of 5 kilometers per hour for my camino. But something hit me as I was going downhill in the neighbourhood - it's the journey, not the end that counts.

It is what happens in my mind, my body and my soul as I make my way from village to village, town to town. And not the physical crossing into Santiago de Compostela itself that counts.

So really, while I can train and set target times, there is really nothing that should stress me out if I want to find a rock to sit and type something out. Or just stand on the edge and have a hymn play over and over again on my player simply because it was appropriate.

I have to bear this in mind. That it is the journey - the entire 117.5 kilometers. And not the end point itself.

Having said that - I still think I will, in all likelihood, be so relieved in Santiago that I will probably go on my knees and kiss the ground!

Ever onward - 14 days to go!

R&R

If you have been following this blog and my other one, you will realise by now that lil old me has been on the path of self-destruction and nuclear melt-down. It has been a never-ending cycle of events and with each, my anger and frustration level rises.

While everyone thought that it was the stress from managing 2 jobs and 1 other project - the truth really is that I was angry with myself. Angry to the point that I cannot look at my own reflection without wanting to smash the mirror. Angry to the point that the thought of death was more comforting than the thought of waking up in the morning. Angry to the point that every word, every phrase that came out from my mouth and mind was designed specifically to cut - deep, with a twist to boot.

My brother, who said a prayer for me last weekend told me - You are wound up so tightly, it cannot be turned any further. Let go and accept that somethings you cannot change. And that is a fact. 10 weeks in and here I am, still trying to get my path straight along the route that I had in mind for it.

My partner asked me last night - at the end of all these - have I spoken to the Almighty? And I told him that my anger was such that 2 Saturdays ago, in my hometown, I walked out of church. That I decided it was a complete utter waste of my time to spend that 1 hour of service because He listens to everybody's cries but mine.

If he was the hitting kind, I swear, he would have raised his hand against my cheek. And I would have no case. For I do indeed deserve it. For did He not, in the minutes after that walk-out (which to put into context is un-heard off in the family and if my grandfather was alive, he would have whopped my arse for that audacity) tell me that He has not forgotten me through Psalm 43: 5 "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

I am not going to make excuses for my self and my thoughts. They stem from me and they are no one's words but my own. I am not going to make excuses for my own rebellion against my Maker. I knew from the start what He was asking of me and it was not the emptying of my bank account. I knew from the start what He was wanting me to learn from this phase of life and it was not more patience.

My last post was yet another reminder of what was flawed. And I knew it when Father Lionel explained plenary indulgence to me. I knew that my last day's intention should not be for the souls of persons I thought needed it. I knew that the PI is to be for myself for in the last 10 weeks, and in the last month in particular my behaviour has been causing a massive tsunami of sins.

I have been walking around, wondering how everyone else in my family had so many reasons to smile and laugh, simply because I had forgotten that they have managed to reach a state which I am still struggling to go near: Total Surrender.

My partner (who if you remember I had once said initially years ago objected to me walking the Camino), told me that I should start embracing it now, bit by bit. Lessen the fight back. But that it will only fully happen when I am on the Camino. That my body will break and my spirit will follow. And that when that happens, I am to sit down by the wayside and let it all just happen. That if I were to fight the act of surrendering, to allow a deeper, higher power to carry my by-then weary legs and body onwards towards Santiago, I will only return "the same person as I left." But that if I allow it to happen, when he sees me in Dublin on the 22nd, he will not recognise the me that I would become.

Yesterday, I was still pissed that my preparation for the Camino has stalled and side-lined.

Today, I feel as if I have begun my walk even before I have left the country.

Today, I know for real that yes, I am suppose to do this. And that even though I have not even bought my plane ticket to Europe, that the funds I need to do it is still yet to be in place, 29 days from now, I would walk into Santiago.

Today, I will re-start my preparation, not by going to the gym and walking my first 5 km in weeks but rather to go and attend Mass and continue to make the time to do so until I leave for the airport.

Today, I will re-instill the fear of God back into my life and place first and foremost these words: Seek Ye First.

"Repent and reconnect with the Almighty. You're coming home and it is a journey taken by a privilege few. You're one of them. Be at peace."

Amen.

Ripple Effect

I finally managed to track down a priest to ask just what is a plenary indulgence.

And apparently, when one commits a sin, it is not a one-to-one act in the eyes of God. Rather, it is a one-to-many. As the Eyes Above takes into account the effects and impact of said transgression on the one whom you have transgressed upon, and how it then causes that person to re-act and quite possibly commits sin as a result.

It is a thoroughly befuddling concept to me: wasn't it said that if someone slaps you in one cheek, offer them the other? I suppose in our world today, the phrase 'six degrees of separation' no longer holds true. If the concept above holds water - six degrees just ain't enough!

You don't need an earthquake to have a tsunami - you can be a shake, rattle and roll all by your wee lil self!

Life's Timing

I'm back in my hometown for the weekend. I had planned this visit for nearer the date of my departure. Yet, some things just cannot wait.

When you have old people in the family, you always have to be ready for the "call".

My grandma, who is in her 90's, couldn't recognize me today. And it weighs heavy on my mind.

Europe is at least 2 legs and at least 10 hours away. If anything happens when I am away, it would all be done and dusted when I return.

I know deep down when I head home on Sunday, it may be the last time I see some family members in person. And it is not the easiest thing to reconcile to.

But that's life for you... Timing is not yours to determine.

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Stalled

My preparation for the Camino has stalled. The week past has just been an absolute blur that I am hesitant to stop and take stock. Yet, it is a situation that needs to be arrested. You know it is when you awake from a dream, sobbing as you did in it, feeling the pain, anguish and anxieties that you felt in that subconscious state of mind.

I need to get back into the gym. I need to make time to stop, think and pray. I need to make time to sit with a dying relative and put my arms around her surviving family.

Someone close to me remarked not too long ago - do not put yourself into a situation where your back is shoved right up against the wall. He underestimated me and my need for safety and assurance - my plate has not runneth over. I have merely sold my soul to the Devil.

And to the Devil himself indeed. For why else would I feel as if all I am doing now will come to naught? That at the end of the day, as like in my dream, it would still not be enough.

I have stalled and I need to get back on track. Pray for me.