Will Who?

Some days, I wonder how God goes about determining who does what of and in their lives. Who gets what gifts, and who remains giftless. Who gets constantly tested and who goes by untested.

And some days I wonder if we all have the same path. Only some choose to cab it, others bus it and some fly it. Some may choose to walk it. And again, some may decide they much prefer staying put.

Free will. It could be as easy as saying MY will be done. Or as difficult as saying my will is YOURS.

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The Price of Peace

I used to think that peace didn't cost anything - well, except in situation of territorial wars and such. And at the same time, I used to think that peace didn't have a value that you could put on it.

I am angry again. To the point that when I crossed the highway on my angry run, I stopped on the bridge and thought how wonderful it was if I had the guts to just conquer the fear of heights, climb and jump. Most people would do that when they are depressed. Me? It's a sign that I've been driven to the very edge of anger.

And so yes, everything that I used to think about peace - that's gone out the window at this point in time. There is NOTHING I would not give to have a moment of peace. Yet something tells me that I have to run away to the northern mountains of Spain to get that.

Which just sucks cos not only do I have to wait some 40-over days for it, I also have to find my fare to get there.

So there - I'm back to being angry. Again.

Ins and Outs

I am trying to understand why is it when my coffers are about to be replenished, it gets depleted again.

Perhaps God reckons I will never be able to fully surrender my faith and trust if I am not in a position I deem vulnerable.

See - I know it. I just said it. Yet I cannot shed this human side of emotions.

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World Without Borders

I bought a Camino guide and have been reading it. One of the key themes that struck me was how on the Camino, it is almost a world without borders.

Yes, you may be in France, Netherlands or Spain but the warmth, welcome, camaraderie will almost make these facts a negligible one. Even before I have started on the physical journey, I have already enjoyed the "welcome" by folks who have walked the Camino before. A colleague in Cork will be waiting for me to arrive back in Ireland so that we can sit in her garden over dinner and exchange our experiences.

It is indeed reassuring - to know that in the wilderness of Northern Spain, I will not be alone if I choose not to.

But the most stark realisation of this post would be this: You don't have to go thousands of miles away to experience welcome and camaraderie! Folks around you are always more than willing to help - if we but ask.

And yes, it is always okay to sit down at a bus stop by the side of the Federal Highway, throw your hands up in the air and no - not wave it like you just don't care, but just say "I'm tired and I need your help."

Perceptions

There is always two options to view what life deals you: Cup is either half empty or half full.

My dad tried to post a comment to my last log yesterday - which was hilarious cos he rung me to ask me how to post a comment to my blog *lol* (Yes Dad - let's find humour in the simplest things.) And when we failed (Yes - shame on me the blogger!), he told me instead what he wanted to write here.

Words like "sadness" and "destroy" and "restore" would have been a key feature of what he wanted to say. And I was thinking to myself - Oh no! My grief has gathered the power of an emotional tsunami, engulfing all around me! And I have to remember the advise that I dish out to my candidates who did not make the cut: Give yourself x-days to grieve over this, then take a deep breath and move on!

So today, Palm Sunday - the start of the final week of this year's Lent, I shall aim to adopt the perception that I think Jesus had as He entered the gates of Jerusalem. A mix of bittersweet emotions but always keeping the end goal in mind. And I'd like to believe, like all other human beings, He too went through a period of grief.

What is depleted today, can be replenished in time to come. This is my further lesson in patience (which is my one bane in life - a complete lack off!) And as a dear friend of mine said in an email to me last week - I completely understand where you're coming from. On the other hand, I am certain God gave you this current role for a reason and I KNOW you will make it.. you're too smart to let this eat you up!

As Viktor Frankl said - Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone’s task is unique as his specific opportunity to implement it.

So Dad - let's not mull over this any longer. With 50 days to go, if you want to help me - make sure you ask me everyday if I have made it to the gym for the day and walked the distance I was suppose to walk.

The Week Past

My dad and I signed the Sales & Purchase agreement today. It is the point of no return. After the necessary were concluded, we went on our ways to start the day. And all I could do was have "Somewhere over the rainbow" play over and over and over again on in my car while I drove and cried.

I cannot really give you a reason for this bursting of the dams. But I can tell you for certain that they were not tears of joy.

Maybe it was the profound loss from the knowledge and realisation that everything I had worked hard to hoard away so that I never have to go back to being without food or shelter again, was gone at the flick of a pen.

Maybe it was the overwhelming thought of how much harder I would have to work so that I could someday sign an agreement as I did this morning to a place that I, myself truly want to own and make a home of.

I started out 2 weeks ago, so sure of myself and everything else under the sun. I start the new week on such uncertain footing, I am sitting here praying fervently that tonight would be a dreamless-sleep night because dreams in my world are just plain bad stuff.

I know I am caught in a bubble of negativity and despair. I am hoping that as the days past, it will lessen and I will get stronger.

But for now, I am not as strong as you think I am....

Lord Hear My Prayer

Lord,
You said to go to You, those who are weary
So here I am Lord.
For I have no where else to go,
No one else to seek solace from.
No one to dry these tears that fall tonight
as my heart lays broken and my soul flies betrayed.

Lord,
Give me the strength to carry out what is asked of me,
Just as you hung on the cross, as Your Father asked of you.

Lord,
Grant me clarity of sight
So that I may see that Your blessings in heaven
is heavier in its weight
Than human appreciation on earth.

Lord,
Help me forgive the battles I have had to fight,
Arguments that haunts me each and every time I come round this bend.
That while it may feel as if folks have let me down,
You have always silently had my back.

Lord,
Gently comfort me as I lay my own dreams and plans aside again,
That I will come to realise that my plans are not Your will.
That expectations and hopes have no place in a life of surrender.

Lord, help me see all these
Before I embark on this physical journey
As it would all be in nought
If it is not done in Your name.

So take my hand and lift me higher
Be my love and my desire
Hold me safe and honor bound
Take my heart to higher ground.

The Climb

I did a simulation training session today, taking advantage of the quietness of the gym (tho I was very wrong on that note - a lot of people thought the same too!). Went and hit the "rolling hills" mode today for the distance of my longest stretch.

What I have done in my planning is breaking down each day's trek into bite-size pieces. Most days will see me going about 3 legs, with the shortest being 3 kilometers (only one!!!) and the longest shifting between 9 and 10 kilometers. Distance and climb per day ranges as you can see from the picture below:

From today I realised a couple of things:

1. I definitely need a proper pair of shoes - fortunately for me, New Balance seems to be a pretty good bet and they are on sale at the mo'!
2. I need to start thinking about my food intake at least a week before I leave - If a 10 km stretch is burning close to 700 calories, I could possibly end up looking like a malnourished person when I arrive in Ireland for my meeting or I could be putting on weight as my body shuts down. Maybe I should include a bag of rice in my packing list...

Oh well. I suppose I should not let it daunt me. Afterall, knowing all these things with 57 days to go - I will at least be mentally prepared. As Miley Cyrus says:

Keep on Moving
Keep on Climbing
Keep the Faith!

Terrain

I have been trying the whole of today, seeing it is the weekend, to muster the strength and right attitude to post today. Unfortunately, it is one of those days where nothing you say or do is right in the eyes of others.

I have had to rethink a lot of things in the last 24 hours and remind myself consistently of the whys at this juncture of life. I also had to constantly tell myself that things on earth do not last, and I should not expect them to last. That everyone is made differently - even if your origins had some commonality.

But I think the most energy-draining thing I did today was to request if a certain couple would agree to be executors of my will. With this foray into strange lands, and my young'uns having no one else to depend upon financially but me - it was just one of those things that must be done before leaving. It was painful, both in making the request (it'll probably be addressed at some point in the next 60-something days) and in knowing that life is so transient.

I somehow had it in my head last week, that in deciding to embark on this life-enlightening journey, it would be nothing but joy and peace from that day onwards. I should have known better that there is no such thing as a leveled-ground to walk upon.

Just as the terrain that I will physically attempt to conquer in June is a daily mix of up-hill climbs and downhill slopes on mostly graveled roads, it is just the same to be said for my emotions.

It is a downhill day. Hopefully, tomorrow would be a better climb upwards!

Harsh Realities

A week in and I am beginning to ponder on the harsh reality of making this trip: Money!

Mind you, the Euro is now standing at some RM 4.38 per euro and so far, the budget stands as follows:

• Transport - EUR 50 for bus from Madrid to Sarria and GBP 100.00 for flight from Santiago de Compostella to London Stansted and on to Cork, Ireland
• Accommodation - 6 nights on a single supplement, which includes breakfast, dinner and luggage transfer EUR 730.00
• Pocket money for lunch and the odd dinner - EUR 15 per day for 7 days which totals to EUR 105

In my currency, that is slightly over RM 4500.00, which to put into perspective, is about 80% of one month's take home salary. And that is not taking into account the things I would need to buy beforehand - a new pair of hiking shoes and proper trekking clothes which will easily add another RM 500.00 to that sum. That is A LOT of moolah indeed.

I am trying not to think what I could do with that money, the bills that it could pay or the material goods that it could buy. I know no amount of money can replace the experience.

I just need to wrap my head around it and trust that it will be provided for, somehow, someway.

I wonder if I'd be able to save some if I backpacked it instead.... insane as that may sound!

Journey

Today started on one of the most awful ways - a stinking migraine at 6 am, instead of a 5 km walk outdoors as the sun comes up. The migraine was one that was waiting to happen - I have been stressed out to the limits that I know if I go for a massage now, the masseuse would be going "tsk, tsk, tsk" to no end at these steel bands across my body.

Yet, in the face of it all, God's merciful ways shown through as I came out of the bath to 2 missed calls on my phone mid-morning. I thought it was a work call being returned but to my surprise, it was my broker - Hell! I wasn't expecting to hear from her till late afternoon today! I suppose God decided that this child of His, who knows not the term patience, has suffered quite enough and decided to spare me further agony.

So yes, our loan application has gone through and the rest of the process has kicked in.

I wish I can tell you in all my eloquence and super-duper vocabulary the joy and thanks that I experienced. Sure, I can describe the trembling hands as they punched in the phone numbers to the house, to dad's mobile. And of course, I can describe the pinching of myself - just to see that the conversation was not a drug-induced one! But my words fail me.

One of the things I always tell my customers is this: This is just the end of one chapter and the start of another - what you choose to fill the next pages with, is entirely in your own hands. And this rings true when one of my mentors whom I had rung to share the good news said "Congratulations! It is indeed a weight off your shoulders. But do ensure you honour this commitment to the bank."

It is gonna be a lot of hardwork and effort - meeting mortgage and rent, and putting food on the table. But then again, God does not give you hills and mountains to climb that He knows you cannot do! So long as we have the willingness of Samuel - wonders will happen!

You are a child of Mine
Born of My own design
And you bear the heart of life.
No matter where you go,
Oh, you will always know
You have been made free in Christ.
You are a child of Mine

Lyrics excerpt from:
You are a Child of Mine by Mark Schultz

G&G

I must have checked my phone a thousand times today! Hoping I'd see familiar numbers, even as a missed call. For nothing is worse (to me!!) than the sound of silence. But yet, it was not as I had hoped. And the day passed long and slow, even as I tried to wear myself out at the gym, lifting heavier, running harder, climbing higher.

Today was down right rotten to the point, I did not want to open this page and lodge my thoughts for today. Today was down right rotten to the point that when I had rung my children and was told my dad wanted to speak to me, my pressure just shot through the roof and my impatience started to brew  with the thoughts "Dear God, please don't let him ask if I have heard anything!" (Sorry Dad!)

But God knows better. And as with all things, there is a time and a place that has been charted. For while I may have skipped my spiritual preparation this morning due to laziness, I also think that I would not have appreciated it as much as I do, if I did not have the day that I did.

Today's scripture readings invites us to surrender our desire for control and to place our trust in Jesus whom God has sent both to redeem us and to show us the way. And we can learn about which way is His way either by reading the Bible or through the gift of discernment.

When I decided that this was perhaps something I could afford to do, I only had one request to make - Could you help me discern if this is to be. I had tweeted not so long ago - Man asks, God answered.

I would like to say I am ending this day in a state of grace. But I feel that perhaps "repentance" would be more apt a word to use. And needless to say, as a weight lifts from my shoulders, it is also a state of gratitude.

Thank you for life
Thank you for everything
I stand here in Grace and Gratitude
And I thank you ...

Whatever tomorrow brings, life has already changed!

Lyrics excerpt from
Grace and Gratitude

by Olivia Newton John

Responding...

I showed Dad this blog today. And it was a moment of hold-your-breath! I mean, after all, he wrote the book that so many hundreds of people have read and are still reading! What is this lil journal of daily spiritual challenges, compared to that feat?!

But as I came home and read today's bible reading and reflection (which left me puzzled at first on the connection to today), it dawned on me that I have nothing to be shy about.

Walking the Camino was something that I decided to do in tandem with this blog ala Julie-Julia. Because I know the 117 km is only the final stretch. It is the prep (spiritual, mental and physical) that is the journey. And that is the part that is most daunting.

Yet, there I was - losing faith in my original intent and thinking perhaps, I should just keep it to myself!

I have read on the Camino forums of folks sharing their desire to embark on it. And something is always holding them back. I hope tonight's posting helps in someway to realise that perhaps we're being called to something new and something different, which hopefully in time to come, would bear fruit and support life!

Anxiety

I got a letter in the mail today - one of those that comes sealed on all sides and can only be opened by tearing through the "tear-here" lines. I hate those. None of them has ever brought me any joy - EPF statements included. But this one was different.

It was from one of the two banks that is reviewing my mortgage application. It says Change of Telephone Numbers and then went on to list all the contact numbers I had stated in my application. I have sent it on to my broker and she is of the thought that it was an update notice, possibly from my previous accounts with them. But get this - I have never transacted or initiated any form of relationship with this bank!

Day 3 of 5 has come to an end and while we only have a couple days to know of the outcome, I cannot help but be anxious. And somewhat puzzled by today's mailman's delivery. Part of me wants to believe that this is God giving me a sign to quell my anxiety and stress over the matter. Part of me thinks this is some silly computer glitch aimed at getting my hopes up. And whatever bits that is left is kicking me to no end for fussing about one dull looking envelope!

Mum said something truly profound today (before calling me Doubting Thomas of course). And it went something like this: If we, as humans crossing this 5 days, are driving ourselves to the brink with anxiety on the outcome of one little thing, how then can we aim to walk the way of Christ? Especially when He knew that he was going to die by way of crucifixion?! Our situation is not one of life nor death. His was right in His face - DIE, after being tortured of course.

Perhaps the first part of me maybe right. Regardless, it was a nice 5 minutes of hope and possibilities. For that, I am grateful!

The House

I had wanted to keep this post till later this week - maybe even later towards the month. But yet, it would not have been the right thing to do. For in all honesty, my motivation for having that thought at the back of my head was simply one of fear - fear that the rug will be pulled out from under me once again.



I am buying a house. Yes - walls, windows, doors, roof, 2 floors and everything that a house has in it. It was one of the things that I had told a good friend at the start of the year that I will do this year. But where I stand today, is a far cry from what I had in mind. For I'm buying over the house where my parents, my brother and his family lives. Day in, day out. I will still be living in my pigeon hole in the sky.



Until today, if you were to ask me what inspired me to do this (i.e. assume a mortgage and pay rent), I cannot give you a definite answer. One financial responsibility (i.e. trading rent for mortgage) I can assume safely and soundly. But to assume a mortgage on top of rent - hell! I shiver each time I think about it.



Yet it had to be done. For the house was going under the auctioneer's hammer. And no matter how we "asked", let's just say, if my mum chained herself to the front pillar, it would have been the right thing to do in God's eyes.



It is, and will remain one of those things in life that try as I may to rationalise in my head - I will never understand the logic of it. And my motivation for saying that is simply this: I am the blackest sheep of the whole lot of ERs and quite possibly the only one who ever only had RM 3 to her name. For me to come and step up to the plate in this fashion ???



But here's the thing: Faith is not belief in particular doctrines or creeds. Faith is trust - absolute trust. And that is the toughest bit of it all - absolute trust. Not meeting the payments, not assuming the financial responsibility for the entire family. But trust.



As my loan application enters into Day 2 and the realisation of a error in documentation looms ahead ( i.e. money unbudgeted for needing to go out in 3 days), my shoulders are already heavy and weary. In my logical head, I tell myself - if the things go the way they are suppose to go, it would all resolve itself with some work on my part, and more understanding from the part of the bank. But hell, when you have bricks in the bank, it comes with the fear - by the truckloads.



"We often wish for miracles, but we want to see the signs, we want proof. The absolute trust must come first".


I do not ask for miracles. I have already seen it unfold over the course of the last 4 1/2 years where the mortgage remained in default, yet we had a roof over our heads. So to ask for another miracle would be just plain greedy.



Instead, I shall ask for the grace to be strong.



Might as well start practicing so the journey to Santiago itself - I pretty much know I'm gonna be needing a helluva lot of it!

Solitude

I have never been one for solitude. Yes, I live by myself and would likely die that way as well. But truly - it is not a feeling I relish.

It's Day 3 and I feel so alone in this journey that I have chosen to embark on. It is as if the rest of the world is going on by me and I am in this lil bubble, looking out. No - it is not a sense of condescension. A complete opposite in fact.

Along with this feeling of "alone-less" comes its buddy - the feeling of being small and insignificant. As if, nothing I do can measure up to what others do. Even this possibly life-changing journey doesn't measure up.

I am terrified cos I have been reading how those who have gone on before me, suffers from a feeling of "loss" upon their return. If I am already feeling it now, what more is to be said when I return?

Is this a good and sound idea to begin with? Am I doing the right thing?

Oh Lord - please give me a sign (anything even if it means lights coming on and off on their own!) that THIS IS ACCORDING TO THY WILL....

The Beginning

Many moons ago, I sat down one night and wrote the following. It has never been said, never be showed. I suppose, as with the saying "All things in His Time", it is apt that it is the beginning of this log.

The website I use as an online dictionary defines “faith” as follows:

Faith ~ Noun

1.     Confidence or trust in a person or thing

2.     Belief that is not based on proof

3.     Belief in God or in the doctrines or teaching of religion

4.     The obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc

5.     The trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which human are justified or saved

I am 33 years of age, and I have always liked to think that I live myself by my Faith. Yet, I am increasingly beginning to see that there is a big difference between “living a life” and “walking the path of life in Faith.”

Psalm 23 says:

The Lord is my shepherd;
I have everything I need.
He lets me rest in fields of green grass
And leads me to quiet pools of fresh water.
He gives me new strength.
He guides me in the right paths,
As he has promised.

It has been a tiring day. A real test of faith and I am trying to find solace in these words. These words that came to mind as I sat and watched the telly yesterday evening. I did not think then as I flipped my Bible for the full psalm, that I would be relying on these words tonight.

I should have known then, on hindsight. For I am the JourneyMan’s Daughter. And even if this road is not one of my choosing, I am on it regardless. And walk it I must. For my future was mapped out, even before I was born.

When Dad wrote his book, I could not find it in me to contribute a memory, a sharing, or a thought. I did not think that years down the line, I would be sitting here on a rainy evening, starting one of my own. I did not think that years down the road, I would see myself worth, my life’s story worthy, of putting down into words.

And so while Faith hangs thin tonight on this weary soul, there is the thought, the belief that there is still higher ground to be reached. And the only way I am to muster strength on reaching it, is to not go into it alone.

And so the JourneyMan’s Daughter must start her walk… on her own Faith Journey.

Ready, Set...

So doing the pilgrimage of the Way of St James has been something I thought about for the last 2 years. For many reasons, it was never possible.

As of yesterday evening, I made a pledge that this will be done THIS year enroute to Ireland and so we have the Countdown to El Camino.

This blog is going to capture the my personal road to Santiago de Compostela because while saying "I'll do it" is a step forward, actually getting there will be another journey of its own.

The grand plan is to travel from KL to Spain on 8th June and make my way to Sarria to begin the 107.5 km trek. If all goes well, I shall walk into the city on the morning of 15th June. Attend the Pilgrim's Mass at noon, then make my way to the airport and Ireland by evening. Hopefully the soles of my feet would still be in love with me and I'll be able to continue on to the rest of summer.

Oh well. Maybe it'll go away soon enough! Stay tuned!