On the drive to my parent's place on Friday evening, I sat in traffic and made a plea with God: To take all this challenges about me as I am not ready to do battle in His Name for Him.
I know deep down that such pleas are not the right way to go. As Ben says it - if you have to ask for anything, ask for Strength and Courage.
Yesterday at Mass, the Bible reading said - it is in your weakness that I am strong. And I know that it is when we are lowest that God is strongest in our lives. But my mental and emotional fatigue is at such a large number that I do not want to turn anywhere - I just want to sit where I am and bawl.
I am not on the Camino. Yet, I keep hoping that as with my Camino, as I sit at this crossroad - drained and unable to continue, some old lady will come and quietly sit next to me, pat me on my knee to convey the message that all will be alright in the end. And because it has happened before, I stay still and keep hoping that it will happen again.
This morning I know the difference the between then and now. Then, I had God close to my heart and my consciousness. Now - I may be still but I have not stayed still.
Perhaps it will come to me - as in what I need to do, what I should I, what I have not done. But for now, I am just gonna sit here and cry. Cry until there is nothing left.
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