Wonders and the Hand of God

This is the view of KL City's most famous icon - The KL Twin Towers - from my balcony on a clear night.

Ask me 6 months ago if I thought I'd be privileged enough to have an address with such a view, I'd have laughed you out of town. Yet, this is real - on top of looking forward to another view in 2 years time that would be all green and zen.

Just this itself is testament - the Wonders of God and how His Hand can move mountains.

Amen!

Road to Rome

"All roads leads to Rome" it is said. And though Rome was scheduled for 2013 summer, it has now taken a new twist ~ flying in would be cheating since there exist a pilgrimage on foot.

A lot of thought and praying needs to be done before a final solid cannot-turn-back decision is made. Apparently the Via Francigena is not as established as the Camino to Santiago. I have to be:

1) Mentally prepared to stop many times and figure my way out as the route is not as clearly marked as the Camino is.

2) Physically prepared to go as long as I need to as accommodations are not as frequently interjected along the way.

3) Spiritually prepared to do a lot of "listening" as I would likely be very often be all by myself (me and my own head!)

If I can for some strange reason overcome all the above factors that are already overwhelming me, it would be monumental for 2013 would again be a "big" year personally.

I once said if I had to go and walk again, it would mean that I did not learn enough the first time round. But looking at this now - I retract what I said earlier. For IF I do go and walk again, it would simply mean that God has again given me blessings so great and un-thought of before that the only way to repay him is to walk the way his apostles did to praise and glorify His Name.

Break Me Please

For the first time yesterday, I admitted that I am upset and pissed off. Very un-holy and un-Christian of me but if I continue to keep it within me, it would only eat me up from the inside until there is nothing left.

I took a walk through the house with Mum yesterday evening. Words cannot describe how my heart plummet at the state of disrepair that the house has come into. 20 years - we have definitely not treated that pile of bricks right at all. Nor have we given the people who dwell in it the right amount of respect, turning a blind eye to the state of squalor that they have been asked to live in. And by "they" I mean the children.

God forgive me for saying this but I will only blame the adults for allowing it to happen. And God forgive me for saying this but I have bought a pile of bricks that is worth only as much as they say it is on paper.

Two thoughts persists in my head as I think about the state of the house and the lives that unfold within it:

1) There will always be this big chasm that I have to cross with my parents when it comes to my brother. I was agog when I walked into his room for I was right - even the victims of the Haiti earthquake take more pride in their house and home. Yet, he is blameless. It was not his fault, rather it was my dad's, when all he tried to do was make the best of the situation from what lil money he had. But yet this man of 32, earning as much as I do now, is being allowed to just walk away from it all - without any compensation? Where is the justice in it all I ask heavenwards? Do I not have to work as hard to earn my money, yet I have to throw it all to fix what he has broken?

My parents have always been the sort that never asks of their children anything. Yet, this one time I wish they would sit him down and finally make him grow up to be the man that he is suppose to be. For if he continues to live his life with blinders on, he will never see the trail of destruction that he leaves behind for others to pick up.

2) Why has God thrust this upon my shoulders and yet not give me peace that should come from following His Will? Each day I grapple with this - seeking, asking, begging for peace. Yet, He alludes me. And I ask - is it my fate that I should always have to walk through the wilderness, coming out of it so broken in so many places with nothing left in me to savour what small victories I had won?

Right now I hang on the precipice of staying or walking away. Going down this road has brought me nothing but pain. For life was better when I had nothing but a couple of bucks in my wallet - when all I had to worry about was scraping together enough money for my next meal or filling the next tank of petrol.

I am tired of this constant battling. I am tired of this constant pressure. I am tired of this constant lopsidedness that exists. I am tired of this constant worry of how to satisfy everyone including my own self.

Or am I suppose to be left out of the equation altogether?

"Lord leave a place for me in the green pastures that you promised... where I am suppose to find rest."

A Cathedral

In my hometown, when I was growing up, there was a big buzz when the diocese decided to build a new church. A cathedral no less. It turned out to be a boxy lil thing and perhaps because I was unfazed by it, the significance of a cathedral has always been lost on me.

When I finally dragged myself into the square of the Cathedral of St James in Santiago de Compostella, I was physically, mentally and spiritually broken in so many pieces - 3 months later, I am realising that I had not done so many things. Such as sitting in silence at the square to marvel at this work of men.

I am currently re-reading the Pillars of the Earth, of Tom Builder's quest to as a master builder in the ye old days, to build a cathedral. It says that a "cathedral looms high above all things around it so that it draws one's eyes heavenward - towards God."

The Cathedral of St James is indeed a work to be marveled at. Built in the days where there were no such things as concrete mixers, cranes that goes hundreds of feet high, I can only imagine, using the book, how much work went into building it. All in the name of giving glory to God. And it was in His name that this feat was accomplished. That it still stands today for one and all to see.

In the midst of all financial madness, a new dream has sprouted. To go back to Santiago for a week. Just to sit in front of this wonderment and be still in amazement of what God can do. It is a mad dream. Cos I have just placed a commitment towards a new home. One that is half a million of doors over my initial budget.

Yet, something in me tells me that a year from now, on the anniversary of my initial pilgrimage, I will have the funds to not only bring myself but also my partner back to Santiago. To do as I did not the first time round.

~ Your Will be Done ~

3 Months In

The last time I wrote, a month ago, I was on the verge of purchasing my own property - a blessing I never thought could happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, that did not go as planned. But the search goes on. In fact, this week, I should be able to go and see this other place - which is almost double the price but far, far better in terms of conditions and value.

It hardly feels like it's been 3 months since I staggered into the plaza where the Cathedral stands. It hardly feels like it's been 3 months since I had such solitude that it drove me almost out of my own mind and skin. It feels WAY LONGER THAN THAT!

It is becoming clearer, the lessons I have learnt and how I am changing. I am more firm in what I want out of life and how I want to continue living my life. I am also a tad bit more patient - not a whole lot, but a wee bit goes a long way.

Anyways, I shall not be naive and think that a mere walk is going to change my life. The walk may be the starting point. But how it unfolds - that is really a daily journey that I have to carry on.

2 months on

It has been 2 months since I embarked on the Camino. Two short yet long months.

Short cos in terms of physical days, it has been whizzing by. Yet long cos at the back of my mind, my soul has been crying out for the quiet and the wilds, the alone-ness and the companionship. Strange that I would have been longing for those for when I was in the thick of things, it was the few things that I wanted to end my journey for - so that those torments would be gone from me.

I am just coming to terms to what it is I have learnt from my trek. Perhaps "learn" is not the appropriate word for it. Perhaps "realisation" would be a better word. And that itself brings about another phase completely on its own.

It is a continuous emptying process. That is what the Camino does to you. You look back on the things that you had done without and realise that if you could do without them then, you can do without them now as life returns to normalcy.

It is not as cut and dried as leaving behind a pair of shoes - that I admit. And of course the process goes much deeper than the mere discarding of material items.

And that is why I say it is another phase all on its own. Can I do it? I have yet to find out. Which means that the journey continues...

118 for 305

72 hours ago

After a long hiatus, I decided to have a peek at what property prices are like these days. It was something I had shoved to the back of my mind seeing how I had just committed myself to my parents' house. Nonetheless, the dream of owning my very own was still there.

It was a depressing effort though as I found that most everything that is matured had gone up about 30% and anything new was way beyond my means.

Sadly, one of the habits the Camino did not break was to let it go once a thought was planted in my head. And it was a full day of moping and moaning.

48 hours ago

Do I keep the dream fueled and going? And do I act now or do I just leave it as a dream? The reality of it is IF I opted for something more humble, the dream could become real. But if I was chasing something more fashionable, I would either have to hock my kids on eBay or leave the dream as a dream. I ended the day more or less resigned to the latter.

24 hours ago

Decided to test waters by bringing up the issue at home with the family. Surprisingly, it was encouraging. Yet, the fear was there. Even Dad saying "God willing you will get it" did not bring consolation. Again, I hung on the precipice.

Came home to my daily email message which said: Jesus assures us that if we go to Him, our “burden would be light.” Why is this so? With Jesus’ Spirit within our hearts, we are never alone; God who is almighty, infinitely compassionate and loving will always care for us. And it ended with Do we trust in His words or do we prefer to rely more on our own strength and human support?

Every step of my way, I have walked in His path. If anything, having done the Camino itself is a testament of how His Hands can make a way when there seemed none. I do have to do my homework on my part of course for even with God, He will help you if only YOU help yourself.

10.38 pm 14th July 2011

It has been a month since I completed my Camino and I am only just finding out what it is I have learnt. Whilst on the Camino, He showed me what a difference mere minutes and hours can make. So I should really not be surprised as I sit here tonight after a long work day and say TOMORROW I WILL BE BUYING MY OWN HOME. All done and dusted in under 5 hours.

And the bonus is this: it is everything I want in a home - balconies (3 !!!!!!!!!!) plus a garden, the feel of having a landed property within the confines and comfort of a condominium structure. And it is with HIS Blessing.

A lot of folks have been telling me that it appears my Walk has paid off. The title for this posting is the distance I walked for the price I am going to pay for my home.

Yet as I sit here in reflection, I do realise that the Camino (with all its pains) was not a down-payment for the blessings I am receiving today. And with God, it is not what you physically do that counts. It is knowing where your anchor lies and trusting in that the anchor will not fail you. Faith and surrender.

Tonight as I turn in, I quietly bless all the yellow arrows that came across my way. Thank you for opening my eyes, my heart, my mind and soul for without that, I would not have the wisdom to know when to employ Faith and Surrender when I have to.

It truly was and will continue to have been a really good Buen Camino!